It was a slow and relaxed late Friday afternoon. Most people had gone home already. While finishing up the last bits of work, I felt excited about the coming weekend and contemplated attending the weekend speech contests. Then the news came. Her mother passed away.
It was a sunny Thursday morning. With no early meetings to get up in the dark and no lengthy afternoon meetings to dread, I was driving leisurely to work with cool, crisp, autumn air blowing into the car. At a stop light, I checked email. There it was. His mother passed away last night.
Before that Thursday, the news about Steve Jobs was plastered all over the web.
Once in a while, when you think everything is peachy, when you think you re-gain control of your life, when you think you are safe and protected and maybe even…invincible. Death bestows itself upon you to kick things out of balance. You are reminded of the ephemerality of life. You are reminded that death is not waiting at the end of the road, rather it walks among us.
The first time I watched Steve Jobs’ speech many years ago, I remembered, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” Watching it again after the news of his death, his words on life and death resonate even more.
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
Friday morning, waking up from a restless sleep and thinking about all the sad news in the past week, I felt a little lost and unconfident of decisions I made in life right now.
I had to ask myself if I let unimportant things cloud my judgements and choices. The even harder question is what desires are quietly, and unknowingly driving me? Am I going down the right path?
The phone rang when I was having that fruitless conversation. I should have picked up the phone to join the other conversation instead of pursuing a losing argument.
I let the eager to win overrule the need to make the right choices for the right people. Now, that conversation didn’t solve anything, and the person I should talk to instead flew back and we never got to talk. If I stopped and reasoned with myself, I would have done it differently. But I pressed on…letting the foolish passion to win blind me.
Being an expecting mom for six months, I did not make the right adjustments or any adjustments at all. I am not paying attention to what’s important in life. I think I am simply lugging around the extra belly while trying hard to still keep up with my formal lifestyle and routine because I can’t let things go. I want it all and don’t want to give up anything. I am ignoring the fact that I need to make a choice now.
Life it short. I can’t do it all. I need to make a choice, and select what’s important to me.
